By Natascha Carroll Coaching

I hear it all the time from parents struggling to communicate or connect with their teens: How do I get my teen to open up to me? Why is every conservation an argument?

First let’s start with what normal teen development behavior is.

They are wired to distance themselves from you and figure out who they are apart from their parents. They don’t like to take advice from their parents, but making you proud means the world to them, and studies have shown that acknowledging that you are proud of them builds confidence in themselves.

So, how do you find that sweet spot between wanting to give advice so they avoid painful pitfalls and showing them that you are proud of them in a way they understand?

Imagine a house where the back and sides are built, but the front is still under construction. This house represents a teen’s brain. The back is where their emotions are; the front helps them with time management, goals, and planning. If your teen is emotional and struggling with time management and motivation, they are developmentally on track.

Here are some tips on how to communicate with your teen:

Listen.

Remember when your kid was little, and they said, “Watch me, watch me.”  Your teen now wants you to listen to them with that same intensity. Remember how I mentioned they want to make you proud of them? They do this by sharing their opinions and ideas with you. This ties into the next step.

You don’t have to agree.

There are people in your life with whom you have great conversations, listen to their ideas, and agree with some of their insights and some not. You don’t have to agree with everything your teen says, but they might surprise you with a different perspective. Their young age allows them to see situations uniquely and differently.

Validate.

Did you know that venting and wanting to feel validated is part of communication at any age? Venting helps teens say out loud what their brain is thinking and helps them process their emotions. We forget that teens are learning new emotions they don’t know how to name.

Teenagers are feeling emotions on a deeper level and need help naming them. Instead of just saying “angry”, we can help teens be more specific by using words like “frustrated,” “let down,” “annoyed,” “resentful,” or “disrespected.”

Validating sounds like this:

I understand how that would frustrate you, or I hear how frustrating that is for you.

Validating is not about problem-solving, fixing, or wanting to insert your opinion of what they should do. This brings us to the next tip.

Listen without an agenda.

This is where parents get the most tripped up, often leading to arguments with their teens. I get it as a parent; the last thing you want io do is watch your teen struggle with feelings that aren’t fun. Still, as a former high school counselor, I want to share how feeling their emotions is a normal part of their development and the most important way to build resiliency.

When we give our opinion or advice to our teens as a way of helping them not feel the ard feeling hey are going through, we unintentionally send the message that their ideas or problem-solving skills are not good enough. Done often enough, a teen learns their voice doesn’t matter.

Can you offer advice? Sure, but go into it knowing your teen may not accept your ideas. Did you know that your brain shuts down when someone gives unsolicited advice?

Here are some tips that can help them hear you:

I have an idea if you’re open to it.

Can I offer a suggestion?

Something similar happened to me (or grandma, your aunt, etc), and I did BLANK.

Try these out and see if they help. If you struggle with communicating with your teen and want to explore this further, I am happy to help.

Natascha Carroll Coaching can be reached at: nataschacarrollcoaching@gmail.com